just a step away
by cxdmxztxgandthatsallisee
Summary: it's just a little jump


A new start

it doesn't always mean a new beginning

I should have had mine

it came up short

all those people

they were going to be my friends

or so i thought

Being me would make them like me

I could finally be accepted by my piers

or so I thought

Once my best friend left I could survive

darkness wouldn't fill my every pore

I won't be controlled by my misery

or so I thought

I wouldn't fall into my depression further

I won't succumb to all of this

i am bigger than all those who are against me

or so I thought

Then i came here

nothing would change

there would still be a wall around me

or so I thought

My protector would never leave me

all these friends wouldn't last

or so I thought

The loving hand that i got a hold of

it will only depart

leave me like the others

or so I thought

everyone here will leave me

I'll be all alone again

that's how it always works

or so i thought

Yet every day I come here

look around

I can't help but think

why are all of you still here

you guys couldn't possibly be different from the rest.

or so i thought.

As much as i fight you

I know that you too will leave

only when i believe you will stay

and i was right.

So if you ever come back

the door will be locked

and you won't waste time

to kick it down

or so i thought.

* * *

Courtney's POV

I set the notebook down on the table opened the drawer, and opened the lock box with the key that I had around my neck. I locked the notebook away and laid back down in bed, wiping the tears from my eyes. A long time ago writing helped calm me when I didn't know where to turn. I would write when I first realised there were very few people who actually were found of me on the show. I would put my feeling down on paper so i didn't have to interact with anyone. When I realised I had began develop a crush on Duncan. I wrote down everything I needed to say to anyone, yet never had the strength to say. I've always been weak that way. Even now i scribble away in that book trying to form words to follow a thought. Yet these days all my thoughts bragged together and i wrote without thinking, I used to re-read my work at times like this, to see what I had really been thinking under all my confusion. Yet my thoughts have been growing darker as the days grow on. By this point reading my thoughts drags me down even further into my dark pit.

Most days I find myself playing cat lady for hours, comparing myself to mrs. Susan Ashworth. She doesn't seem to fit her own profile though, she should be much more chipper. I feel as if I have more of a reason to be down. Everyday is the same now that the show has ended. Get up, make coffee, have breakfast with mom, go to school, come home, write for a while, lay down and wipe the days tears away before going to work and finishing my homework. no difference. no variation. just day after day. all i want is a variation, a jump from day to day. I want to feel that way again, feel that joy again. I want to see him again.

* * *

_some of the pages in the notebooks were written in red, all those pages were tear stained. she had written these in the days right after Duncan had left her._

* * *

_3 days after_

Only a few people know

know how it feels

to be depressed

its hard to describe

its not just feeling low

Hurt everyday

its like being caught under the waters of life

though its not the tides that are holding you down

there are people

people holding you down

the last breath slips out

your breath

your air

it is your hope

now its gone

that not even the painful part

the pain is in what you see

while your drowning you look around

you see everyone

everyone else grew gills

they can breathe

they found the secret to life

the secret to happiness

so you close your eyes

let yourself sink

let yourself drown

maybe there will be peace

peace in death

_5 days_

You were my knight

you came to rescue me

then you beat me down and left

so now

Fuck you

_The rest of that page had become so sodden with tears that it was obvious the writer had become so emotional while writing she ended up sobbing into the page to the point were she couldn't continue._

_6 days_

m sorry

Thats all you have to say

after all those times

that you said you loved me

all the times you said you'd never hurt me

Now i'm no longer your little princess

you are no longer my prince charming

and your no longer my knight in shining armor

now your on your knees

begging for forgiveness

begging for me

when you were the one who left me

you didn't care then

so why do you now

I always wanted you to be pleading me

but I'm sorry

next time ill try to find someone who actually treats me well

* * *

My phone vibrates 3 times before it fell off my table. i stood to pick it up. the battery had fallen out so i put it back in, turned in on and waited for the message to come up. It was a blank message from a blocked number. With a small laugh I walked out onto the balcony I stood on the ledge thinking, let there be no more pain. From my 12th floor apartment i could see everyone walking by. "goodbye" I whispered closing my eyes.

* * *

_Only a few people know_

_know how it feels_

_to be depressed_

_its hard to describe_

_its not just feeling low_

_Hurt everyday_

_its like being caught under the waters of life_

_though its not the tides that are holding you down_

_there are people_

_people holding you down_

_the last breath slips out_

_your breath_

_your air_

_it is your hope_

_now its gone_

_that not even the painful part_

_the pain is in what you see_

_while your drowning you look around_

_you see everyone_

_everyone else grew gills_

_they can breathe_

_they found the secret to life_

_the secret to happiness_

_so you close your eyes_

_let yourself sink_

_let yourself drown_

_maybe there will be peace_

_peace in death_

* * *

The phone rang again, another message.

**From: Duncan**

**Please come down stairs, I'm out side.**

**ILYSM.**

So today was different.


End file.
